sweetcinnyluvsu@yahoo.com
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Hello Sweet Readers!
Unfortunately, with the cost of everything rising and stress levels skyrocketing, there seems to be a similar rise in the instances of domestic violence. According to statistics, about 40% of all relationships, whether gay or straight, is abusive in some way. An abusive relationship isn’t always physical, there is also emotional and verbal abuse. Sometimes it’s hard to realize that you are in an abusive relationship if there is no violence occurring, but verbal abuse and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so than the physical type. With the physical abuse there is a clear and undeniable act that occurs. But with emotional abuse, there aren’t always clear effects and sometimes the abused partner doesn’t even realize that slowly over time they are being conditioned to expect that this is the way things should be if you are in love. They lose themselves and become what the controlling abusive partner wants them to be. It doesn’t always happen, but more likely than not a purely mental abuser will eventually become violent after they have conditioned their partner to accept it as normal.
Domestic abuse is always about power. One partner intentionally controls the other through whatever means possible, whether it be by physical or mental abuse. The abuse always runs in a cycle. In the beginning everything is wonderful and the partner is on their best behavior. Over a short period of time stress levels slowly rise and eventually there is an outburst of abuse, either physical or emotional. The abusive partner then shows remorse for what they have done and apologizes, and the abused partner wanting to believe this is a one time thing forgives them. Again things are good for a while but the stress continues to build and again there is another outburst of violence. Each time that it happens the victim accepts it and forgives and with each incident the abuser gains power. The longer the cycle is permitted to go on, the more frequent the incidents will occur.
There are signs of an abuser, if you pay attention to them. Unfortunately, sometimes the one who is abused doesn’t notice them until it is too late. Here are a few “red flags” to watch for:
1. JEALOUSY: The abuser will become jealous and possessive and display a lack of trust in their partner. Sometimes they will even try to say they are so jealous because it is a sign of their love. Don’t be fooled, in a healthy relationship built on trust, there is no need to be jealous.
2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: They will sometimes say they are concerned by your lack of ability to protect yourself or make decisions. They will question your every movement, where you went, who you talked to, why you were late, and even why you did certain things. As this behavior worsens it turns into controlling everything like money decisions, your clothing choices, who you see or speak to, and in severe cases, when you can leave the room or go to the bathroom or even eat.
3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many of them want you to commit quickly after beginning the relationship. Often by saying that you are the only person they can talk to or the only one they can imagine being with, after only a few short weeks or a month of dating. They move so fast that the victim feels guilty if they want to slow things down. Some abusers will target those who are newly out and who don’t know many people in the community.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: They demand things from their partner that are nearly impossible. They expect them to be perfect at all parts of the relationship; the perfect partner, the perfect lover, and the perfect devoted friend. The often demand total satisfaction with the partner providing everything for their needs alone, with no return in like kind for their partner.
5. ISOLATION: They will try to cut their partner off from all sources of support and friendship. If the victim has close personal same-sex friends they label them as a “slut” or a “whore” and accuse them of cheating. If they are close to their family they separate them by saying that they are tied to their family’s apron strings and need to cut themselves off. They call close supportive friends troublemakers and forbid them to see certain ones again. Many times they will not allow their partner to drive and will refuse to provide them with a vehicle in order to go anywhere alone. Often they will even demand to always go along when their partner leaves the house.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: It is always someone else’s fault when things go bad for them. If they are chronically unemployed it is because someone is out to get them or they are jealous. If they fail at something it is because their partner or someone else distracted them and they were unable to concentrate.
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR EMOTIONS: It is always the victims fault if they lose their temper. Using phrases like “you made me have to get angry” or “why did you make me have to hurt you?” They never accept responsibility for emotional or physical outbursts.
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and often take the slightest setback as a personal assault. They will rant and rave over everyday events like a traffic ticket, or having to go to work, or even over being asked to help with chores at home.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: They will abuse an animal and seem to have no reaction to its pain. They are highly critical of children often expecting them to exceed above normal levels. The might tease a child until it cries and blame a child for things that are not their fault, like the cost of raising them or the price of the food they eat. Horribly, 60% of all partners who abuse their mate are also abusive to their children.
10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: They often want to act out fantasies of their partner being totally helpless. They try to convince them that rape will be exciting. They demand sex even when their partner is not in the mood or even when they are sleeping or ill. They use sulking or anger to get their partner to submit. The will also want to use “make-up” sex after they have either physically or emotionally abused their partner.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Besides saying things to abuse their partner they also say things to belittle them and degrade them, sometimes in front of other people. They accuse their partner of being stupid or incapable of taking care of themselves. They question then as to whether they are truly gay or lesbian. If their partner is not out they threaten to out them to family, friends, or their employer. Sometimes they will not allow their partner to sleep when they are tired or will wake them up to verbally assault them.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: They will always insist on being the one in charge of any sexual acts, not allowing their partner to ever be in control of them.They tell their partner that they are nothing without them and they remind them what they have done for them and tell them that nobody else would ever want them.
13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: They change moods often and without warning. Attentive and loving one moment and abusive and violent the next, always keeping their partner trying to please them and not do anything to set them off. Usually the abused partner will blame it on an addiction to drugs or alcohol or smoking and think that once the abuser beats their addiction the other will stop as well. This is not usually the case unless the abuser also seeks help for violent behavior.
14. PAST BATTERING: If they abused their last partner, it’s almost a given fact that they will abuse the new one as well. They always try to blame the former partner as the one who caused the need for the abuse. Sometimes family and friends of the person will warn a new partner of their past abusive behavior, unless the person has been one of those abusers who hides the abuse from everyone and has so isolated their victim that they have no one to tell they are being abused and haven’t reported it to authorities.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: They threaten to use abuse if they are crossed. They will threaten to hit their partner, kill them, hunt them down if they leave, harm their children, kill their pet, anything to keep their partner in fear so they won’t leave or report them.
16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: Often they will break a loved ones possessions as retaliation for making them angry. They might punch the wall or throw something or pound a fist on the table just to show their power and may follow that by saying, next time that will be your head.
17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: Pushing, shoving, grabbing, forcing into a sitting position and yelling down at them, demanding that their partner will take the abuse and not leave.
If you find yourself in any of these situations, you might be living with an abuser and you need to get away. I know that is easier said than done, and a lot of times the partner who is being abused doesn’t want to admit there is a problem or even doesn’t have anywhere to go to get away. Sometimes even their own family won’t believe them when they try to tell them they are being abused because the abuser is so good at hiding the abuse and may appear to the outside world to be the perfect loving partner.
There are organizations that will help with abuse and getting out of abusive relationships. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has an 800 number and is available at all hours. http://www.ndvh.org/ There is also The National Domestic Violence Coalition Agency at http://www.ncadv.org/resources/state.htm . There are also many organizations that specialize in education and assistance for those who have been abused, many of them can be found at the bottom of the page on the following site:
Do not allow yourself to be a victim of domestic abuse or violence, please tell someone and get some help!
Until Next Week, Dear Ones, Love & Many Hugz! Leeza
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Hello Sweet Readers!
Have you ever been somewhere or met certain people who just made you feel right at home and wanted? Well, I had that experience last weekend at an area bar. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let me back up a week or so. I have met some truly wonderful people through the internet and different sites like gay.com and myspace. One such person is a gentleman from the other side of Ohio.
I got to talking to him because of seeing his myspace page and leaving him a comment about it. His page is all dedicated to his cousin who was shot and killed earlier this year by her ex-husband, while she was holding her baby. It touched my heart and I left him a message telling him. He replied and we got talking about her and then about other things and one thing led to another until I found out he was originally from around here and that still had family living in the Wheeling area and returned home periodically.
So we made plans to meet and of all morbid things, go to the cemetary where his cousin is burried and he wanted to show me her grave. The “date” was set for last Friday night. I then contacted Boom Boom LaRue because I knew she was offiliated with the local bar down there and I thought while I was in the area only about 5 miles from her that I would stop in and check out The Wild Coyote Saloon in Follansbee. Much to my sadness she informed me that she and the rest of the people I would know from there were going to be at another bar called The O-Zone doing a show.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go all the way to Wheeling because I really wasn’t sure how long my visit with my friend and his wife would be, perhaps we would go out afterwards for dinner or something. So I told Boom Boom I would have to come visit there again sometime. I waited for my friends to show up but something unforseen happened and they didn’t show up. So being depressed about that I made up my mind to go ahead and go down to The O-Zone and see some of my friends.
I arrived there around 8pm, yeah I know way too early, but I figured I could get a can of pepsi and just relax. The moment I walked in the door two gentlemen at the bar said “Hey! I know you!” (I’m sorry my darlings I have forgotten your names, forgive me) and one of them asked what I was drinking and bought me a pepsi. Only a few moments later, Miss Lady Sapphire came down from upstairs and saw me and came right over and hugged and kissed me hello and then went back upstairs and got her Co-Show Director Miss Candie Lynn Summers and brought her down to meet me. She too hugged me and kissed my cheek and welcomed me.
I came to learn later that she then got on her cell phone and called Boom Boom and told her that I was there. Ok, I’m beginning to feel like royalty now, where’s my crown? We then took our drinks and went to sit at a table near the show area. Miss Carol’s show bar was damaged by water so she has to have the shows upstairs in an area of the floor where people seem to find it hard to understand that during the show you don’t walk across there and get in the way of the performers. Hint Hint people! Please visit The O-Zone and give Miss Carol lots of your money so she can get her show bar fixed real soon so her performers can get their stage area back!
All night I was never without a drink, sometimes even before I could finish one there was another can sitting there. Thank you for that! Boom Boom arrived and all craziness broke out with her and Candie and Sapphire bantering back and forth over the mics. Stange how those things worked so well until you needed them for the show, huh girls? Before the show started, I met yet another female illusionist (how do you like that word? *smiles * ) She is a new girl and her name is Miss Katrina Marie DeHaven, the drag daughter of Miss Lady Sapphire. Her last name might sound familiar to you because, yes, she is the granddaughter of the one and only Miss Sassy DeHaven. And from what I saw, Grandma will be proud. I also got to watch Miss Paradise LaRue perform again (oops sorry your majesty, that should be Miss Princess Paradise *curtsies* ) and was introduced to Miss Anastasia St Clair, Miss Tasha Fresh – Summers and her “sister” Miss Latisha Fresh – Summers. Tasha and Laticia are new young up and coming Divas. Their performances both as a solo performer and then later as a duet were fantastic! I was greatly impressed.
They are the daughters of Candie Lynn Summers. Oh, and of course I couldn’t forget Nubian King who got the whole house a little heated up by his fierce strip tease numbers. Got everybody’s temperatures rising! How does he make that booty shake like that….*fans*.
All during the evening, before the show and during it, either Boom Boom or Sapphire or Candie or Katrina was sitting in the chair next to me making me feel welcome. It might have been my imagination, I highly doubt that, but even during their performances each of the queens seemed to be performing specifically straight to me. Again that might be my queen complex acting up again. To my great pleasure, Boom Boom didn’t throw her shoe at me! Oh, you know I love ya girl!
The only girl I didn’t get to see perform was Miss Katrina but I would like to see her in the future. She made a great impression on me and peaked my interest. Perhaps if I can get connected to her I can write an article about her in the near future, hint Miss Sapphire. I only heard part of her story but it was just enough to make me want to hear more and ask her questions. What makes her so different? Well, one thing, she is straight; something of a rarety in the world of drag. So if you are reading this Miss Sapphire or anyone else who knows Mike, hook a sista up will ya!
Thank you all for making me feel so welcome and wanted and appreciated while I was visiting you! *blows kisses * Love to you all mmmuuaahhhhhhh!!
Until Next Week, Dear Ones, Love & Many Hugz! Leeza
p.s. Look for an article in the future featuring Katrina if I can get it put together.
